You know you're from...

[Muus]

Baltimore, when...

1. You could pick crabs before you could walk.

2. From snow to hurricanes to heat waves, you've seen every kind of weather imaginable.

3. 695 gets you everywhere.

4. You stress the "Oh" in the U.S. National Anthem.

5. It's "DC", not "Washington"; "Hopkins", not "Johns Hopkins", and "goin' downa' ocean" means you're off to Ocean City, Bethany, or Rehoboth.

6. You've had relatives imprisoned at Ft. McHenry.

7. Half your high school graduating class went to College Park.

8. The opening of a Wegman's was the greatest thing to happen to your city in ten years.

9. You put Old Bay on everything.

10. You hate the Yankees, the Steelers, and especially the Colts.

11. The murder rate is higher than the graduation rate.

12. You can go 1 inch beyond the city line and know that you're out of the city.

13. You don't wash your clothes, you "warsh" them.

14. You can pronounce "Havre de Grace." (Not the French way, the Baltimore way.)

15. You've gotten lost and ended up in the projects.

16. You know that The Power Plant is not for the production of electricity.

17. You're pissed off that we have to share our only airport with DC (I mean, don't they already have 2?)

18. You remember when the Orioles were good.

19. You say "wuder", not "water".

20. On September 11, when you heard terrorists destroyed the World Trade Center, you thought they meant the tower by the Harbor.

21. You know where to get the best crabs, crab cakes, and crab soup.

22. You eat snowballs, not throw them.

23. Cal Ripken was your childhood hero.

24. You're considered a Southerner when visiting New England, and you're a Yankee when visiting the South.

25. Distance is measured in minutes.

26. You know when to avoid the Bay Bridge.

27. Every one of your parents' childhood memories revolves around a Colts game.

28. A Berger is not something you grill.

29. Your Senator's website features a recipe for crabcakes.

30. You can spot a Baltimore accent immediately.

31. You watch a John Waters or Barry Levinson movie and recognize someone.

32. Artscape is the event of the season.

33. Five homicides is a good day for your town.

34. Lacrosse ain't no city in Wisconsin.

35. School is out when there's an inch of snow, but when you can't get out of your driveway you somehow have to go.

36. You know what Natty Boh is.

37. The idea of crabs without Old Bay makes you sick.

38. You think living 45 minutes from the nation's capital, 1.5 hours from Philadelphia, and 3.5 hours from New York City is the greatest thing in the world.

39. You think HBO's "The Wire" isn't violent enough.

40. Your car has a bumper sticker that says "BLIEVE HON"

41. The Washington Monument in your city is not a white obelisk.

42. You go to The Fudgery at The Harborplace just to hear singing.

43. You didn't realize that horses race at Preakness.

44. You leave the U.S. and people ask you where you're from, you reply "near Washington" to avoid confusion.

 

[Muus]

Miami when...


you call flip-flops chancletas

you wear chancletas EVERYWHERE

you live 15 minutes from the beach, but you never go

the car behind you honks their horn because you stopped at a red light

you get mad if the DJ doesn't play salsa, meringue, bachata, or reggaeton at a party

you buy your party food at Blue Sky

you refer to your hometown as 305 or MIA

you know you can't get a job without speaking Spanish

you know you can't really get anywhere without speaking Spanish

you only go to a Marlins, Heat, or Dolphins game if they're on a winning streak

you instinctively buy gallons of water during hurricane season, just in case

you hope for a hurricane to come so you don't have to go to work/school

you know only tourists go clubbing on South Beach

you spend your summer days inside cuz it's hot as hell outside...literally

you're so used to craziness that very few things surprise you anymore

you want to move out of Miami some day, but you say you'll come back

you know never to buy mangoes or avocados at a grocery store cuz u grow them in your backyard

you go to a store/business and the manager tells you "hablas espanol?" cuz they barely can speak english

you know your pastelitos

you know that Argentineans make the best steak for the best prices

you bump into Trick Daddy everywhere

you know to be out of Downtown by 6 pm

you have to wait 4 hours for a bus to come that's supposed to come by ever y 30 minutes

it's 60 degrees outside and you wear a sweater, a jacket, gloves, a scarf, a hat, and boots

you know the only time there's no traffic on the Palmetto is from 3-4am

you know at least one person who has more than six people living in their houses

your neighbor keeps chickens and goats in their back yard, and you're always worried you'll find one of them dead on your doorstep

you know the only hills are trash hills

the only rivers you've seen are the Miami River and canals

you know any woman walking around after dark on Flagler or Biscayne is a prostitute

you own a guayabera or know what one is

you take your car to go one block down the street

you buy mamoncillos & limes while waiting in traffic

a light lunch consists of chicharrones and malta Hatuey

you see a sushi bar on every corner

you get your chicken from Pollo Tropical

your shrimp, lobster, and designer purses all come from one place: some guy's trunk in Hialeah

you see girls wearing clubbing clothes to go to 7-11

there's a navarro on every corner

you have to put on the invitations "starts at 2:30pm " when the event really starts at 3:30pm just so people actually get there on time.

 

[Muus]

New York City, when...

1.You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

2.You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4.Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

5.The subway makes sense.

6.You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

7.You've considered stabbing someone just for saying "The Big Apple".

8.The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

9.You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.

10.You consider Westchester "upstate".

11.You think Central Park is "nature."

12.You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.

13.You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a "steal."

14.You've been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

15.You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

16.You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

17.You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

18.Your closet is filled with black clothes.

19.You haven't heard the sound of true absolute silence since the 80s, and when you did, it terrified you.

20.You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

21.You take fashion seriously.

22.Being truly alone makes you nervous.

23.You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

24.Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."

25.America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

26.You've gotten jaywalking down to an art form.

27.You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

28.Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

29.$50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

30.You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.

31.You don't notice sirens anymore.

32.You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

33.Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watchseller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

34.You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

35.You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

36.You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

37.Your door has more than three locks.

38.Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

39.You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

40.You run when you see a flashing "Do Not Walk" sign at the intersection.

41.You're 35 years old and don't have a driver's license.

42.You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning just because there are seats available.

43.You're willing to take in strange people as roommates simply to help pay the rent.

44.There is no North and South...

45.It's uptown or downtown.

46.When you're away from home, you miss "real" pizza and "real" bagels.

47.You know the differences between all the different Ray's Pizzas.

48.You're not in the least bit interested in going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

49.Your internal clock is permanently set to know when Alternate Side of the Street parking regulations are in effect.

50.You know what a bodega is.

51.You know how to fold the New York Times in half, vertically, so that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off other passenger's hats.

52.Someone bumps into you, and you check for your wallet.....

53.You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St. like the city in Texas

54.Film crews on your block annoy you, not excite you.

55. People from other states cant tell a polar bear from a peanut, but they know you're from NY the second you open your mouth.

56. When you are able to make a right turn at a red light.. you think it's the best thing ever.

57. Rather than waiting safely on the sidewalk to cross the street, you wait inches away from speeding traffic waiting to cut through it.

58. Your local news is national news.

59. You walk a mile in 13 minutes and think that everything should be open 24/7.

60. You know who Dr. Z is...

61. You think you know better than everyone else in the world.. when in reality.. well.. you do.

62. Yellow light means speed up.

63. Red light means speed up because you know have that 1 second pause until the other light turns green.

64. Communicating with people on the road only takes one finger.

65. You order your dinner and have it delivered.. from the place across the street.

66. You cross the street on a greenlight, and if you get hit by a car you blame the driver for "not watching where they're going.

67. You can tell a gunshot from a firecracker and not get scared, but when you go to the burbs you get scared of hearing a cricket.

68. You know the lights above the skyscrapers is the closest thing we have to stars.